Thanks for your Astral Projection Journii™: Custom Summer™ order, Human 9616122! We’ll email you updates if needed. Check your flight plan, somatic health, social status, byte wealth, or religious tier anytime at https://www.projectionjournii.ai. Reply CHAT to connect with your personal projection tailor or STOP to cancel your Projection Journii™. Reply WAKE UP to purchase an Emergency Wake Up™.
We texted an image of a sad dog by an empty pool. This is your unique Safety Totem Docking Image™. Please memorize it to ensure your grasp of reality remains intact during your experience.
When it’s time for you to return to the somatic state, you will generate and submit this exact image to us as proof of your sanity. Previously successful modes of generation and submission have included reverse diffusion and sending via Neuralink implant, or fingerpainting and messenger pigeon.
How and when you generate the image and submit it is up to you. Your Astral Projection Journii™: Custom Summer™ package guarantees you up to 1,000 hours in a dissociative state, so just make sure you submit it before your time is up. Note: you are not allowed to extend your hours once you imbibe the Waterr™. To extend your hours now, reply CHAT.
Review our memorization and image generation rules:
- Don’t deviate from Earth’s gravity. Water will stay contained in the tiled pool. The slide will remain angled downward into the water. The dog will signal his weight by his appropriate placement on the chair. Likewise, the chairs, with and without blue cushions, must remain anchored to their original placements.
- Resist clutter. A common way to pollute the somatic state is to accidentally bring personal litter back from your Projection Journii™ through the mental placement of seemingly innocuous artifacts such as paper, cellular devices, food, articles of clothing, bodily fluids, or nature castoffs such as leaves, shells, or dust bunnies. DO NOT GENERATE CLUTTER THAT IS NOT PRESENT IN THIS IMAGE. We reserve the right to terminate your contract and therefore your somatic retrieval if any gross generation of clutter is suspected, with or without evidence.
- Resist the generation of superfluous creatures. There is one totem in this image. Do you see another dog? Do you see a human? Do you see bacteria? Do you see a squirrel?? We didn’t think so. Please note that the generation and detection of superfluous creatures, accidental or intentional, imported from the somatic state OR harvested from your spiritual, chemical, or supernatural experiences, will result in immediate rejection of your Safety Totem Docking Image™ and will likely affect your total and complete return to the somatic state.
Review these tips for a safe Projection Journii™:
- Do not attempt to contact God. Or angels, or a Holy Guide™, which is not included in your package, or your human body back in the somatic state. We know what happens if you do, but we’re not allowed to tell you that. Sorry!
- Do not attempt to contact your living loved ones.
- DO enjoy the complete and utter delight of severance from your somatic state. We are the only company on Earth to offer this experience AND provide return to the somatic state!
Review your itinerary:
- On Monday, August 31, 2026, at 8:45 AM, go to your previously selected physical site for your Astral Projection Journii™: Custom Summer™. We recommend lying down, though some of our customers prefer to stand or float in a pool.
- At 9 AM, imbibe (1) vial of Waterr™. We’ll deliver the vial to your PO Box (2) days prior. To upgrade your Waterr™ dosage, reply CHAT to connect with your personal projection tailor.
- At 9:30 AM, a member of our team will enter your physical site and design a near-death experience for you. Upon successfully sparking the NDE, your Astral Projection Journii™: Custom Summer™ will begin! (Please note: Methods to spark the NDE vary, and our bespoke methods to kill-you-without-actually-killing-you cannot be disclosed at this time. Our team thanks you for your understanding!)
- On Monday, October 12, 2026, at 1:30 AM, your 1,000 hours of projection time are up. If you have not already submitted your unique Safety Totem Docking Image™, we will prompt you to submit it immediately. Successful image submission will initiate complete restoration of consciousness. Failure to submit an image after (3) attempts gives us the right to permanently suspend your account and your return to the somatic state. Your emergency contact is responsible for your retrieval from Limbo™.
Terms and Conditions:
- By signing this contract, you acknowledge the inherent risks of astral projection and agree to these image generation rules as the only binding promise of your somatic retrieval. You also acknowledge that, should you initiate an Emergency Wake Up™, expedited return to the somatic state is not guaranteed and you agree to assume all risks associated with this, including, but not limited to, death, dismemberment, and damnation.
- By signing this contract, you grant our team unrestricted access to your previously selected physical site of engineered astral projection, browsing history, government-issued somatic health account, 5,000 gallons of basalt-filtered spring water, MyChart medical records, emergency contact, DNA sequencing account, your first boyfriend or girlfriend, and your (1) approved genuine Projection Objective™ for the duration of your Astral Projection Journii™: Custom Summer™.
- Unplanned severance of your Custom Summer™ projection, initiated through our Emergency Wake Up™ safety feature, which is not currently included in your 1,000 hour plan, will result in significant undisclosed fines. If you activate this feature, your linked somatic health account will be billed directly. If health funds are insufficient, we reserve the right to detain your somatic state until payment is made in full. Upon payment, your somatic state (or corpse) will be released for collection.
- Love and Light, LLC reserves the express right to amend this contract at any time, with or without notice, to all parties partaking in formulated astral projection.
Sign here:
Welcome aboard; we are thrilled to absorb you!
The Astral Projection Journii™ Team