I used to think it was really important to be authentic. I considered myself an authentic person. It was a trait I looked for in others. I stopped trusting people I viewed as inauthentic.

But then I realized it was a bad goal. Bad because “being an authentic person” is really hard to define. And more importantly, even when I defined it, I realized it was a pretty useless aim. 

Authenticity in some domains, like the purse market, is pretty useful. An authentic Louis Vuitton purse sells for thousands of dollars. A fake sells for $20. Buyers perceive the value quite differently. 

But what is an authentic person? And should we strive to be authentic? 

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Sometimes it’s hard to self-assess, so it can be useful to imagine a friend. You’re writing an essay to your friend, and instructing them on how to become more authentic. What do you say? 

My original answer—as someone who had not thought a lot about defining authenticity—was to tell them to say what they think. Don’t hold back. Be your true self. Act in accordance with your values. 

This is similar to the definition you find on Google. It’s also similar to the definition taped across the bulletin board in my second grade classroom. 

But if you channel your inner neurotic voice for a moment, you may pick at this definition: 

  • Should you always say what you think? All the time? Wouldn’t that be pretty absurd? 

  • What is my true self? What if my true self is an asshole or hurting others? 

  • What if you don’t have clearly defined values? What if your values change? 

Ironically, I think the lack of precision and depth here is what’s driving a lot of inner conflict. 

A lot of this went away when I stopped aiming to be authentic. 

I’ll go a step further: I realized I find the whole “aim to be an authentic person thing” to really be an exercise in artificiality, in drawing arbitrary lines around phrases like “saying what you think” and “aligning to your true values” without actually resolving into clarity. 

“I just want to be authentic” becomes a sort of trap for your mind. An excuse for avoiding addressing what’s actually going on. A generic catch-all that does not really have a useful purpose. 

> If you want to give someone feedback, don’t aim for being authentic. Just be honest (don’t lie!) and use your judgement around the packaging so that it’s effective. 

> If you are in a relationship, don’t aim for being authentic. Be all the things that actually matter to you and your partner. 

> If you are trying to figure out where to work, don’t aim for finding an authentic workplace. Write what’s actually important to you more specifically, and go do that. 

Maybe this essay is for an audience of one. But maybe that’s the point.

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